SHOC

SHOC
Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Just gonna leave this here


Thanks, Obama!



Terrifying Stories Told In Five Words

TERRIFYING STORIES
TOLD IN FIVE WORDS

Throwback Thursday - Australopithecus Spiffarino

(originally published on November 30, 2008)

Okay, the story behind this: This has been around like, forever. Apparently, there's this guy who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with pseudo-scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. This, allegedly, is the response from the Institute regarding one of his submissions


Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiffarino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Somehow, I doubt even John Lennon could've imagined this...

Imagine,
if you will...

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Fascinating Factoid...



(Thanks, Tom)

Website Wednesday 17.3

Website Wednesday
a subsidiary of Skip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)
 

"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,

through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail,
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."  

SKIPNOTE: My friend Erin and I are going
to do the LA Marathon on March 19 to raise
money for the Kitten Rescue charity. If you
feel the overwhelming desire to donate
money, you can do so here. Thanks!


                    I lost my watch at a party, then saw this guy stepping
                    on it while seriously hassling one of the women there.
                    I walked up to the dude and punched him in the face.
                    No one does that to a woman. Not on my watch.


Top of the heap:  20 bacon hacks that will change your life (This one's a lulu, Mel!)

A Simple Trick for Defrosting Your Windshield in Less Than 60 Seconds

Here we go again: What are your suggestions to replace the classic tokens in Monopoly

Here's this week's Star Wars Trilogy:
     - 
Nerdpost: A Handy Guide to the Archaeology of Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
      - 10 Humongous Plot Holes in the Star Wars Franchise
      - The 10 Worst Crimes Against the Original Star Wars Trilogy

How You Get the Job With Just One Interview

What it's going to cost to repeal Obamacare

Just in case you ever have one of these - Here are six ways to spot a fake $100 bill

Y'ever wonder what owls look like without feathers? Yeah, me neither.

The First Super Bowl

Here's everything you can order at McDonald's that's not terrible for you

11 Useless Things To Stop Wasting Your Money On In 2017

Key Themes of CES 2017: what do they tell us about the year in tech?

22 Food Quirks Americans Don’t Realize Are Super Weird (but MMMM-mmmm!)

Y'ever wonder why Canadians say "Eh"?  Me, neither.

Scientists are building an animal fart database. (And you thought there were no news worlds to conquer!)

How to Clean an Oven Window

Okay, here's something that could be useful - Eating Right on the Road

Okay, just one more - How to prevent smelly farts


Love you, mean it. Let's do lunch. Have your people call my people. Ciao, bella.
 
- Skip
   _ಠ



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